resolution

the world is full of busy people going about with each of their own engagements trying to prove their legitimate space on this side of the universe.


it is a vast place. but i seem not to care.


amidst the space, traversing up and down and even idling at life's pit stops, i got my own anticipations,longings and disengagements to resolve.


i am alone but i am still positive of your coming. meanwhile, life continues for me.with all these busy people passing by me and through my smallest knit of flesh, i am still alive.


and i am pressing on.

kape, ikaw at ako

sometimes in life, there are bonds formed that can never be broken. these bonds experience tarnishing sometimes but gets even lustier and brighter after being polished by tests in forms of temptations and adversities.




such bonds are found in your best friend you met in the college library or the one you sat beside with in Grade 5 and whom you shared your early pubescent secrets: crushes, early disappointments, proud childhood ambitions depicting what you wanted to become when you grow up.



some bonds luckily turn into lifetime commitments like the ones you share with your spouse through marriage while some just opt to commence it in rather non-conventional forms of mutual adult understanding.




in the course of time, when life's demands carry you away from the one you love, these bonds will remind you that you have a best friend, a soul mate, a loyal partner and home to find tranquility, all along.



as for me, i think i will have a lifetime bond with coffee. i have my favorite way of mixing up my morning drink booster. i even have my dosage of a cup of coffee anytime of the day i crave for it, during breakfast, just before lunch, in a lazy afternoon break or even at night when i need to finish a project and just cant start up my motor running.





a cup of coffee had been my solace and my secret weapon at the same time. when i am mad, a cup of coffee can keep me company in a corner. Every sensual retreat of my lips to the brim of the cup for that little quiet sip brings therapeutic soothing to my bruised ego and cursed pride.

when i am unfocused, the aroma in the cold air snaps me back to reality.

when i am about to call it quits for the day, a mere hold to the warm cup brings equal warm sensation to my palms and delivers rejuvenation for yet another game with life. total bliss.insurmountable feeling.




and as i continue to sojourn to this so called life or traverse the unfamiliar thoroughfare, i think i will be able to take the turns after every corner as long as i have a cup of coffee with me, to get me by and by.








*amelia pc,staffh, doctian at flickr.com

the morning after

No, I did not wake up at the wrong side of the bed to be pounding on the computer keyboard so early in the morning. I think I had a bad night. So bad that I could not find the most appropriate adjective to describe it.





There had been pretty bad nights before but that of last night was different. I did not feel pain when my longtime partner of three years punched me thrice on my face from a heated argument over being a virtual gallivant. Maybe I was fusing with so much jealousy and anger that I could not feel the pain then.



And because it was a bad night, lingering on the bed would only prolong whatever excruciating pain I was harboring. I often wake up late on Saturdays but my tummy sent synapse to my brain that it needed food already so I had to get up and do some rituals. How could I be hungry so early in the morning? Is it really my tummy or my bruised ego again that is in wanting?





There had been many ‘mornings- after’ complications already in the past couple of months. What makes this one different?



Two buttered-chicken breasts, a slice of mocha cake and a glass of icy cola – cold leftovers from last night’s party for a friend. Cold rubbish from the fridge but I thought that will do for now.





*kjcoud & forgottendaiz at flickr.com

'sang pares ng tsinelas

Noong kabataan ko, nauso ang tsinelas na gawa sa alpombra. Ito yung tsinelas na parang mabalahibo at parang velvet yung material na ginamit sa paggawa kaya masarap at malambot sa paa. Ewan ko kung sadyang ganun ang design ng tsinelas na alpombra pero di ko ma-ekspleka sa sarili ko kung bakit ganun ang design nya. Ito yung tipong ok lang magkapalit ang kaliwa at kanan na pares kasi nga pareho lang ang design at hitsura. Hindi tulad ng karaniwang sapin sa paa – bakya, sapatos, sandalyas at iba pang uri ng tsinelas kung saan alam mo kung alin ang para sa kaliwang paa at kanang paa. Ang sa alpombra, hindi. Pwede mong pagpalit-palitin ng gamit at hindi mo mararamdaman ang pagkakaiba.



At dahil nakahiligan kong suotin ang mga tsinelas na hindi sakin at mas malaki pa sa sukat ng paa ko, minsan nakakapagsuot ako ng alpombrang tsinelas ng mga pinsan ko. Gusto ko kasi yung feeling na mabigat ang sapin sa paa. Parang musika sa tenga ko ang mayabang na ingay ng mga yabag sa sahig gawa ng alpombra sa tuwing ako’y maglalakad.



Sa panahon naman ng aking pagsibol sa kabataan, nauso ang makabagong uri ng tsinelas na tinawag na jelly flip flops. Ito yung may mga matitingkad na kulay ng pastel at may banayad na lambot sa paa. Dito na nauso ang paggamit ng tsinelas sa pagsisimba at pamamasyal sa mall.



Dumating ang impluwensyang Latino sa Pilipinas at napasok ang havaianas flip-flops. Unang sinuot ito sa harap ng telebisyon ni Bamboo habang tumutugtog sa isang concert. Si Heart Evangelista naman, dating Vj ng MYX, ay panatiko na rin ng havainas noong panahong yun.



Gahol sa oras mula sa isang taping, napilitan syang mag-tape ng live sa MYX habang nakasuot ng lace spaghetti strap dress na diumano’y pantulog nya at ng havainas. Dahil wala ng panahon para mag-ayos ng at magpalit, tuoly lang ang live shoot. Dito sumikat ang paggamit ng tsinelas bilang pamalit sa sapatos bilang bagong dagdag sa fashion style ng kabataang Pinoy. Naging malakas ang impluwensya ng Brazilian product na ito na parehong mga estudyante at yuppies ang gumagamit sa mga lakaran at sa araw-araw na gawain , liban na lang sa mga pormal na okasyon.




Sino ba naman ang hindi mahuhumaling sa tsinelas. Ako man ay may apat na pares ng tsinelas na pambahay. Kung praktikalidad lang ang pag-uusapan, panalo na ito. Ito ay madaling isuot at presko sa paa at madaling ibagay sa maraming klase ng damit.




Pero iba ang turing ng namayapang lolo ko sa tsinelas. Nang mauso daw ang tsinelas ng kapanahunan nya ay laking biyaya daw ito kumpara sa hirap at bigat ng bakyang noo’y nasa kasikatan pa. Ngunit para sa kanya, ang tsinelas raw ay para sa bahay lamang. At hindi ito nararapat isuot kung lalabas ng bahay dahil ang mga lakaran sa labas ng bahay ay tungkulin na ng sapatos, o kahit ng mga sandalyas man lang. Espesyal daw kasi ang dulot sa mga pagal na paa ng tsinelas.




Dagdag pa ng lolo ko, ang pag-ibig daw ay parang ganun. Parang isang malambot na pares ng tsinelas sa bahay. Oo nga at ito ay pambahay lang ngunit ito ang pinakaunang hinahanap pag-uwi mo sa bahay upang magbigay ng ibang uri ng ginhawa sa paa.



Ang tsinelas tulad din ng taong tunay mong minamahal ay naghihintay lang sa bahay. Ngunit gaano man kapayak o kasalimuot ang mga pangyayari sa buong araw mo, gaano man kagaganda, kagagwapo o kahali-halina ng mga taong nakilala mo, iisa at iisa lang ang pilit mong uuwian at hahanap-hanapin pag-uwi mo.



Ang pag-ibig habang tumatagal, lalong lumalalim at pinagtitibay ng panahon. Tulad ng ‘sang pares ng tsinelas, habang ginagamit, lalong lumalambot, lalong nagiging maginhawa sa paa.



Ang pagmamahal sa isang tao, sa pagdaan ng panahon ay nagiging isang pamilyar na emosyon na kayang matukoy mula sa iba pang pakiramdam ng tao – galit, pagkamuhi, lungkot, saya’t tuwa, ligaya o maging ng karaniwang libog lang. Tulad ng ‘sang pares ng tsinelas, sa pagdaan ng mga araw at gabi, linggo’t buwan, o maging ng taon ay nagiging isang pamilyar na bahagi na ito ng paa. May kakaibang hagod sa balat at alam ng nagmamay-ari ang pakiramdam ng kanyang tsinelas. Alam nya ang malakutson o magaspang na mga bahagi ng tsinelas nya, ipikit man ang kanyang mga mata. Maging sa dilim.



Mahalo man ang kanyang pares ng tsinelas sa isang kumpol ng mga tsinelas, o mahiwalay ang isang bahagi, alam nya kung saan ito hahanapin ng walang pag-aalala. Tulad ng tunay at dalisay na pag-ibig, babalik at babalik ito sa tunay na kasuyong puso.




Iba-iba man ang turing na bawat tao sa kung anumang uri ng tsinelas ang susuotin nya, tanging sya lang ang may alam kung alin ang magbibigay sa kanya ng kakaibang ginhawa sa paa mula sa buong araw na pagkakabilanggo sa sapatos.



At pag nagkataon, kapag nahanap mo na ang pares ng tsinelas na para sa’yo, wala ng dahilan upang maglakad ng nakayapak sa malamig na sahig. Wala ng rason upang manghiram sa iba. Wala na.

alin?

Likas sa tao ang pagpili. Kasama na dito ang pamimili ng kung anumang higit na mas magaan o mas magbibigay saya o mapagkukunan ng lakas na mga bagay, lunan o tao, personal man na kilala o hindi.



Minsan sa buhay mo, hindi mo man gustuhin o kahit sabihin mo pa man na dahil matalino ka kung kaya’t hindi mo na alintana ang mga kaakibat na suliranin dala ng pamimili, natatapat ka sa pintuan ng mga pagkakataon at panahon na gaano man kahirap sa loob-loob mo o kasakit sa iyong natitirang ego, kailangan talagang mamili ka dahil yun at yun lang ang pinaka-una at pinaka epektibong paraan sa paglaya.



Minsan kahit simpleng tanong lang at siyempre simpleng sagot lang ang kailangan ay doon pa tayo nabobobo.



Alin ang mas masakit : ang magmahal ng taong alam mong may mahal na iba o ang umasang balang-araw, suntok man sa buwan tingnan, ay mamahalin ka rin nya? Di man sa paraang inaasahan at pinakaaasam mo, at least sa paraang alam at kaya lang ng inirog mo.



Alin ang mas matimbang: ang sabihing mahalaga ang isang tao sa’yo dahil yun ang tama o ang sabihing mahal mo ang isang tao dahil yun ang totoo?



Alin ang mas madali: ang mahalin ang taong mahal mo ngunit alam mong hindi ka mahal o ang taong hindi mo kayang mahalin ngunit mahal na mahal ka?



Alin ang mas may kabuluhan: ang kasalukuyang relasyon na umabot na ng halos limang taong puno ng away-bati at ng mga gabing ayaw kang patulugin dahil naninimbang ka kung mahal ka ba talaga nya tulad ng mga malamlam nyang mga pangako o ang masilakbong pag-ibig na tumubo lang sa talulot ng bulaklak ng bagong natagpuang pagkakaibigan?



Alin?

ikaw

Dumating ka sa buhay ko ng hindi mo sinasadya. Maging ako. At alam ko yun. Wala sa plano ang pagtatagpo natin noon sa ilalim ng sungit ng panahon at manaka nakang ambon. Nakakatuwa yun. At dahil matagal akong dumating sapul sa ating pinag-usapan na oras, pumasok ka ng simbahan upang makinig sa misa. Sana hindi mo ipinanalangin ang pagdating ko. Sana hindi mo ipinanalangin ang araw na yun.

Sinabi kong malapit na’kong dumating kung kaya’t lumabas ka ng simbahan at hindi mo na tinapos ang misa, upang muling maghintay pa dahil ang totoo’y hindi pa ko umaalis ng bahay nun. Hati ang isip ko nun kung magpapakita nga ako sayo.

Matapos ang palitan ng text at tawaran kung tuloy ba ang pagkikita o hindi, nauwi ang usapan sa pagkain ng fishball at malutong na tuksuhan sa bagong bili mong wrist watch sa Everthing 100. Ang cute naman, sabi ko. Sana tama ang hinala kong sinadya mong dumaan na lang sa shop na yun at sinadyang bumili ng relo, kahit wala sa plano, dahil nagbabakasakali kang dumating pa din ako. Sana naghinala ka nun na dadating pa din ako at hindi ako nang-gugudtaym lang.


Masaya ang hapon na yun. Sabi mo pa nga perstaym mo tumambay sa park kasi hindi mo trip. Salamat naman at una yun. At ako ang kasama mo. Pilit kong isinaulo ang mukha mo kasabay ng pagdilim. Nakakaaliw ang mga mata mo. Nakakabaliw ang mga mensahe sa iyong balintataw. Malalim. Malungkot.


Bago ako nakatulog nang gabing yun nagtext ka pa ng “ happy ako knina. Enjoy ako. Astig.” Napangiti lang ako. At sabay yakap sa unan na naghintay sa akin buong araw.


Muling naulit ang mga pagtatagpo. Lunch out. Tambay sa park (ulit!) at laro sa swing. Hanap sa ukay-ukay at bumili ng mga kahit anung kapwa natin gusto. Nood ng sine. Ikot ng downtown at bunuin lang ang maghapon ng walang kapararakang mga bagay-bagay.

Nakakatuwa dahil parang matagal na tayong magkakilala. Parang matalik na magkaibigan na muling nagkita paglipas ng may kung ilang mahabang taon.

Patlang.

At nagkwento ka ng mga karanasan mo at sa mga bagay na mahalaga sa’yo – pamilya, trabaho, kaibigan pati mga bagay na natutunan mo nung mga panahong akala mo kaya mo na ang lahat. Lahat yun.


O kaya’y lahat lamang ng mga bagay-bagay na kaya mong ibahagi at ikwento sa’kin sa ngayon.

Madami yun. Samu’t-sari. May kakatwa. May nakakamangha. May ilan na hindi ko akalaing pinagdaanan mo.

Patlang.


Sini-sino ko ang bawat ngiti mo. Ang mga sulyap mo. O ang mga miminsan mong maiiksi ngunit malulutong na mga tawa. Pinipilit kong namnamin ang mga pagkakataong yun kasi alam ko sa likod nun malungkot ka. At ang mga tawa mo’y baka hindi na maulit pang muli.

Alam kong simbilis ng pagtatagpo natin ay simbilis din ng pag-alis mo.

Kahit ayaw ko.

Alam ko namang hindi kita mapipigilan. Dahil may natural na yabang ka sa katawan. At armas mo yan sa biyahe mo at sa walang katapusan mong paghahanap ng mga sagot sa tanong mo.

Alam kong ang mga bagahe mong dala-dala ay simbigat ng mga karanasan mong pilit mong kinakalimutan. Ngunit hindi mo kayang bitiwan. At iwanan sa nakaraan.

Matapang ka, alam ko. Matalino at maabilidad. Para kang damong ligaw na kahit saang sulok man mapadpad – sa batuhan, sa parang, sa makipot na daan, sa may malapit sa tubigan, sa siwang ng punong tood o sa mga bahagi ng kalupaan na aakalain ng iba’y wala nang pupwede pang mabuhay pa – andun ka. Kasi nga magaling ka. At singlakas ng isip mo ang loob mo.


Patlang.


Pero sana habang nandito ka pa sa tabi ko – nakakaulayaw at nakakalaro. Bayaan mong hilutin ko ang mga bali mo sa pakpak. Hayaan mong paghilumin ko ang mga sugat mo puso at gamutin ang mga pasa sa iyong pagkatao.

Bayaan mong umiyak ako kasama mo at sabay tayong magalit sa kanila.

Umiyak tayo buong araw. Kahit hanggang gabi. Kahit hanggang muling magparaya ang buwan sa muling pagsibol ng bagong araw.

Hanggang wala na tayong iluha pa.

Hanggang ang lahat ay wala nang saysay.


Patlang.


Andito lang ako.

Hihintayin kita.

Hihintayin ko ang pag- uwi mo. Kahit saan ka pa man dalhin ng mga pangarap mo.






The Firefly

I thought I caught a fragile firely
When it beckoned to me with its light last night.
But no, it was the elusive dream that fled when I closed my eyes.

Until it stops burning its little torch,
I shall keep imagining it in my hands
That the world ain’t dark
After all it has done to our innocence.


-cte

waray taytol

akon pagbabataktasan an lima ka-tuig
naton tipakadto ha Magsaysay
pagpapahanginan ha Balyuan,
pagpapahungawan ha may haruhagdanan.
iyawat la bisan lima ka-oras
mahingalimtan ka kadaliay.

mistakes

"i got dirty, i got stinky but see, i learned!" sabi ng bata sa commercial ng gatas.


sana ganun lang kadali. sana ganun lang kabilis pawiin ang mga mali na nagawa mo kahapon.


kaso hindi.


whether you have asked for forgiveness already from people you have wronged and have forgiven yourself, too, in the process, the mistakes are still there. the damage still remains.



and as you go through the long and winding highways of your life, these mistakes remain. only this time with a new-found label - 'bones in the closet'.



but if you choose to live life the hard way and the hard way that it is, then these mistakes should be nothing more than mere bruises.


as for me,the bruises may have hurt me so badly and may have left some serious marks in my young skin, but hey i am not hiding them. i am not ashamed.


these bruises - both the visible and the unseen - have become my new found badge of honor. a constant reminder that i am a soldier. a fighting soldier, no less.


i will fight life. i will fight it hard.


i will give it its game.


"sorry na ha?" sabi ng isa pang bata sa commercial ng gatas.


kung mabasa mo man ito ngayon. o kung hindi man ay bukas. o kaya'y sa isa pang bukas.


sori na ha.





caught at daybreak photo by:joeljosephopinion

pananglit

I received a SMS this afternoon from an old friend. It surprised me more because i apparently didn't have her number in my phone book anymore. i swear by the name of my loud-mouthed neighbor but i do not recall deleting her entry. of course i had to save face lest i be accused of burning bridges.


I used to be fond of her most among the other members of the youth group in the church. maybe two years of willfully ignoring youth group invites' and practically choosing to drift away from the group slowly ensued such a happy exchange of SMS.

the short conversation through text messaging went like this:


K: hi bert! :)

B: Hi. hu is dis pls?

K: Kim ini. ;)

B: Kim C******? anu ka na? musta k na? hehe.

K: ok la.kaw musta?

B: ok la gyap. anuman ninong na ako? haha.

K: kalurong nim.dire.haha.. ako ninang na?

B: baog ako.hehe.

K: ako liwat. mag-angay daw la kita! hehe.

B: haha. amu ba? anu k na? musta na balit? anu nga hangin nag paabat k man?

K: waray la. na miss ko la ikaw.

B: saba daw ngada! kairinit ka man.


_end_


once upon a time,(hehe) i played sweet music with this girl. it was one platonic boy-girl understanding that led to a more serious exchange of sweet nothingness. sadly, the story did not end up to our good advantage since most of our friends were not in favor of the idea. they thought we were better of as friends. she thought the same and i respected her for that. we remained good friends and we still exchange the same silly conversation when time permits and i still keep the little secrets she confided to me.


for some good reasons, i still wish i did not break the silence about how i felt for her then. i still wish she did not return the same sweet gesture to me then because it did not ensue into something romantic anyway. truly, there are just things better left unsaid and undone. tsk!tsk!

and then it struck me point blank. how would one react to the situation if somebody from his past returns to him down on bended knees and vulnerable saying she is not happy with her present love now, the one she chose over you and caused your life almost during the basted, and that because it dawned on her now that she happier and complete with you instead?


it will be a chaos of emotions, of course.


i wrote this Siday a few months back and i have been really eager posting it despite the not-so-good review of a trusted friend, who has actual learning about the principles of writing and reading the art of Siday.



Pananglitan


Magkita iton aton mga bayhon utro

Magkatapo iton mga siplat

Maghampang iton mga sugbong

Magbag-iray iton mga dughan.

Matood pa ba ako

kun magyakan ka

nga mabalik ka na

ha akon

pagbantay,

pagtimangno,

pagpalangga


Kay dire ka na malipayon ha iya?

Treat

Every Saturday afternoon, just about when the sun is caught between mid-afternoon and dusk, I always find time to visit Rizal Park. It’s a family leisure park just across the famous Sto.Nino Church in Tacloban City, a metropolitan city along a fish sanctuary, north western part of the Leyte Gulf. For a yuppy like me who would choose to exhaust myself with work during the long weekdays, a lazy visit to the park is already a treat that could not amount to any. While some will muse themselves over window shopping in the city’s department stores or kill time inside the theater with the latest cinema, a quiet time in the park has become my religion.

I always pick on the wooden benches between the swing area and the huge fountain. I sit there clandestinely as if I wait the floating debris inside me to settle first. Then I let my eyes pass through the images before me: a family in a weekend picnic over pansit bihon, puso and barbeque; a young couple in their blossoming sublunary love; a group of teenagers packed on one corner of the park goofing around while another clique of young blood enjoys the guitar. Some pubescent are biking while still some play badminton. Some children flock the swing and slides and just somewhere under the low hanging Gemelina tress, I thought it was a lovely sight to see a young father guides his infant to start walking on solid ground. The child’s feet were woggly but they were covered with white soft walkers. When the child started to make his first step, his little fingers held his father’s thumb tighter as if seeking affirmation for his father’s love and security. I thought the father felt it because his face showed up a radiant smile. And so the child attempted for the second step and then the next step, and the next step after that. Soon the little unsure tip toes became little paces of determination. In turn, the father was indulging his young son with more little steps as they walked beside each other. When I saw the ecstatic feel on the young father’s face, I thought my heart melted. Something inside tickled my kindred spirit.

For a hopeless romantic such as I am, these are the moments that say I love being human. I love the feel of the grass when I step on it barefoot and how I enjoy the ticklish touch. I love the smell in the air of the newly baked ensaimada of Panaderia San Pablo or the inviting crispy crust of bibingka in Paterno. I love ginat-an and the beauty of the collision of the colors from several root crops bathed in the milky river of coconut cream. I am in love with the countless lazy walk along Magsaysay Boulevard and how the serene acacia trees bring petal showers of pink when the lazy wind whistles to the beat of the howling waves of Kankabato. I am just madly in love with everything in this city that may have been small or less important but speaks enormously how the city started from a quiet community to a bustling metro now.

Today, the city has started implementing the electronic traffic system in the metro and eventually in the city outskirts, as planned. This improvement was born with many other good signs of modernity. Two giant malls are expected to be operational by January 2009. Another international call center outsourcing agency will be in business by October this year. These and many more will determine the new pacing of the city lifestyle. While I’m not against the progress of the city by the bay, I am on the other hand afraid to see that the Taclobanons get lost in the process of the urbanization. I am scared that people will soon forget their identity as a group of people and soon become oblivious with what used to be good: bibingka, ginat-an, Mags, Kankabato and the lazy afternoons in the park.

We need to remember what used to be good for it might hit us in the eyes and fail to recognize it. We need to search our hearts and recall its own beauty after all, what used to be good brought us to how we live now, what we believe in and why we keep the faith even to the littlest of our own causes till now.